Hard Times

This is a vent, and as such, may contain questionable language.  Continue at your own risk.

I just want my family back.  Last week marked a year that we have been living in two different countries, and my heart just fucking hurts.  This past year I've been unsure what the future was going to look like for us, and tried to concentrate on finishing school.  Now, I am resally no closer to graduating, and still unsure about how to proceed.  I've already made the decision to move to Mexico.  I've already come to the realization that David is the man that I want to spend my life with, even if that means picking up and leaving everyone and everything I know, and starting a new life somewhere else.  But I wish something was happening already.  We've come to a standstill.  I want David to get a job and a place for us to come to before we make the permanent move down there.  He is resisting because he feels like he'd be starting a new life without us, and he wants us there for the process.  I understand this, but it is just not practical.  I cannot quit my job, sell my place, and take off without any guarantee that I have a life to come to.  We took a rare, childless trip to Hermosillo, about 2 hours from where he is living wih his family, to go on a job/living-space hunt.  I didn't realize the he wanted no part of this until we got there and things went to shit.  Both of us are dealing with severe depression, and recognize this.  I have just started getting treatment for it, and his mother is pushing him to do the same.  Things were great back when he had a job, but since he lost it, things have gotten progressively worse, and at this point, I hesitate to even bring my daughter with me because his mood swings and erratic behavior have started to effect her as well.  It makes me cry because she still asks to see her daddy, but "only if he's not gonna be mean to us".  I know this is not my man.  He is a loving father and partner, and I know between his past, his family history of depression, and the recent events in his life, there are many things contributing to the way he feels and behaves.  And, as I was astounded to learn, he actually agrees that he has a problem and could benefit from some counseling, at the very least.  But I don't know that he has access to it where he's at currently, and I really think he needs to get to a better place emotionally before making a big move by himself.  I just don't know how to help him.  And he wants desperately for us to come out there with him, but I honestly don't feel good about making any big plans until he's in a better state of mind either.  I really do care about him, not only as my partner, but as my best friend, and as much as I'd like to be able to get my life figured out sometime soon, I hate seeing him suffer like he is, and wish so much that I could just make things better.  I know this is quite a personal issue to be posting to the blog world, but I just need to get this off my chest to someone other than family.  I'm tired of being a single mom.  I'm tired of feeling like I have to constantly mediate between my daughter and my man when we're together.  I'm tired of getting angry and jealous when I see couples kissing or holding hands, or young parents playing togethr with their kids at the park.  I'm tired of needing someone to hold me, and having no one there.  And, as much as I love David, it's still hard to give up some of the dreams and visions I had for my future.  I wanted to move to Washington, not further into the desert.  I wanted my daughter to grow up knowing my family too, and goign to a Montessori school or something.  As bad as the States can be sometimes, at least there are other people that wouldn't think I'm absolutely nuts for raising my daughter the way I want to... but then again, I guess there are plenty that do :)  I'm sorry if I sound like a whiny brat, really I'm not.  And it means more than I can say that David has stuck by me this long, and has decided that I'm worth waiting for, because that is no small feat for him.  I just hate feeling so helpless, and it's still just sinking in for me that life is going to be a little different than I'd hoped for.  Not worse necessarily, but certainly different. 

Much love,

Jen

Can You Meet Me Halfway AKA Hermosillo, Son

So, I never got around to posting about my last trip to Hermosillo, however, I am giving myself an opportunity for redemption.  I will be returning to HMO next week, and this time I plan to take pictures, and find some interesting things to share.  Bear in mind that I do not have a very broad perspective when it comes to Mexican cities, as prior to visiting Sonora's capital, the biggest Mexican city I had seen was Nogales.  Although Nogales does have a (mostly-empty) mall, a Wal-Mart, and, much to David's delight, and Applebee's, I was disappointed to find that it lacked a Sanborns.  Hermosillo, however, did not disappoint. 

Hermosillo renewed my faith in my ability to live in Mexico.  I think it could possibly help transition me a little better than, say, BFMagdalena. It has a Costco.  And a Sears.  And, as I could not contain my excitement about, and therefore almost caused an accident over, it has a Chili's... right across the street from an IHOP.  Which has a children's playplace.  They have the cookie-cutter stucco houses that litter the streets of suburban Phoenix.  Houses which I swore I would never live in, but which now make me want to cry with happiness.  Houses which go for around $400,000 pesos, which wouldn't even buy a garage over here.  And it's a college town.  And it's somewhat landscaped.  And I know I am sounding like a totally superficial, spoiled gringa right now, and I swear to you I'm not, but anything to make the adjustment a little easier is completely welcome.  I complain about the States a lot, and I am unhappy about the way a lot of things are done here, but dammit, it is really all I know, and at least there are other dissenters here like me.  I am so scared of going to Mexico because I am so different -even here.  I'm pretty liberal (especially for AZ), and I just forsee an introverted, attachment-parenting, philosophy-discussing, atheist/UU (if they existed there) non-gossipy girl that cannot for the life of her do anything with her hair white neo-hippie having a hard time fitting in.  But I love my man, and even though it is through his stupidity that we are forced into this situation, I am willing to do what it takes to stand by him.  But he damn well better make it worth it.

Hence the second trip to HMO.  We are going job- & apartment- hunting for him, so we can hopefully start to create our home base there, and he can start to get out of the depression that has been strangling him for the past several months. Back soon with news ;-)

Peñasco Recap

So, in order to keep my mind busy, I've decided that I will, indeed, fill you in on my travels during my absence from bloglandia.  This is installment one: Puerto Peñasco. 

So, for the weekend of my daughter´s birthday (which also happened to be Valentine's Day weekend), we decided to take a trip over to Puerto Peñasco (aka Rocky Point, to the gringos).  Just some background, since anyone not from Arizona may not be familiar with the area: Rocky Point is the major vaction spot for all the party-going college students from Arizona, since it is only about 3 hours from Phoenix.  All the 18-20 year-olds like to go down there to get drunk and act foolish.  Fortunately, they were not present in February.

We did, however, arrive just in time for the Pride celebration, which was hosted at our hotel.  Although happy that there were no college girls in bikinis to feel intimidated by, I was positively morose that there were transvestites/transexuals present that were absolutely more gorgeous than me. But overall, it was a really fun experience.  I just wish that we had been able to see the parade so could have taken some pictures. 

There was also a carnival going on across the street from the hotel, which made for one night of fun, and several nights of fruitless pleading from my daughter. Unfortunately, we did not go the first night when my favorite banda, Banda Limón, was playing. I can just imagine the looks on the locals' faces when they'd see this huera belting out Tantoooo pasadoooo, tantaaaaas cariciaaaas... mumble mumble mumble... Derecho de antiguedaaaaad. But I had really wanted to see them live.  We did, however, put our daughter's life at risk and let her go on several of the overpriced carnival rides.  I am not fond of portable carnivals at home, but the though of Mexican portable carnival rides made me slightly nauseous.  So David took her.  And the ferris wheel did not come crashing down, even with the two-seater chair that five people were squished into, or with the two lovebirds that were shamelessly and conspicuosly making out for the entire duration of the ride.  It did appear to be by pure chance, however, that the carousel stayed in one piece, but Alexia seemed none the wiser, so it was all good.

We also spent some time in the water.  The Gulf was still too freakin cold to do any swimming, but we did get in a water fight, resulting in me tackling David in the waves, and both of us with water and sand in our clothes.  Alexia tripped and fell in the water, and as a result, was kind of terrified of the ocean for the rest of the trip.  We did swim in the pool, though, which was nice, and we saw some beautiful sunsets.  

We of course had our share of Peñasco-style fun too.  After the baby was asleep, we split a bottle of Captain, much of which later ended up on the floor of the shower, sadly enough.  And after imbibing to the point of half-consciousness, David and I ended up spending some "private time" on the balcony.  Myself being, um, kind of clothing-impaired. Um... yeah.  For the record, I'm not usually the type to get super-drunk and do crazy shit, so this was slightly out-of-character for me.  And just about as mortifying as it was amusing in the morning.  Wow.

Health Update

So, against my usual judgement, I actually went to the doctor yesterday, and was reassured that my intestinal distress was probably just a virus, and that I should probably not drink the water upon my return to Mexico.  I also discussed the depression and anxiety that has been wreaking havoc on my life and productivity, and it was recommended that I try Wellbutrin.  However, because I'm on insurance through the state, I have to undergo a psych eval before they can prescribe it, so that's what I get to do today.  I'm not excited.  Without getting too in-depth here, let me just say that I spent 4 of my precious teenage years in therapy for a condition that I did not have, related to abuse that did not happen.  I am not in denial, I was literally led to believe that I had repressed memories, and got so confused, I hardly even trust my own mind anymore.  The world of psychology can be scary.  However, I hate failing or dropping all my classes each semester, I hate being distant with my daughter, and within the past month or two, I reached a point where I felt right on the verge of an intentional downward-spiral, and I have reached the realization that trying to do this own my own is not working.  And as much as the idea of being on psych meds pains me, if that is what is necessary for awhile, then so be it.

Moving right along... the doctor also agreed to oversee my impending attempts at weight loss (that have been impending for approximately 3 years now :-P), and I'm hoping that between my mental health issues being treated and my healthier lifestyle, my migraines and chronic stomach issues will start to disappear too. 

Also, I watched 'Girl, Interrupted' last night, mostly because I am in love with Angelina Jolie, however it was the wrong choice the day before being evaluated for mental illness.  Ah, well.  Wish me luck.

Much Love,

Jen

SB 1070

Oh yeah.  I forgot to mention all the craziness surrounding Arizona's new immigration law, and living in Phoenix, how much I effing hate this state.  More on that later, just didn't want to forget.

Peace.

Long Time, No See

So I know that I've been a horrible blogger and essentially disappeared for like sixish months, and I don't even have a really good excuse.  Since I'm prone to writing novel-length blog posts anyway, I will spare you all the recap that a good bloggie would write after all this time.  Suffice it to say that David no longer has a job at the fabrica (which sucks), we have now added Puerto Peñasco and Hermosillo to our list of Mexican cities visited (each of which really deserve their own post, but due to the lazy nature of this blog's creatrix, this is unlikely to happen at the present), been stopped by a crowbar-wielding federal and I am experiencing, for the first time in the (almost) year that I've been going to Mexico, extreme intestinal distress, which according to WebMD sounds like either giardia or hepatitis.  Although I never dreamed I would say this, I am really hoping that I have some rogue parasites in my body in lieu of liver disease.  I am guessing this is the case since my daughter was having similar stomach issues, and neither of us is an intravenous drug user, or having sex with risky partners.  Not to my knowledge, anyway. 

In other news, my daughter is starting to learn some Spanish (though not enough to satisfy her Machiavellian Tata) and loves running around and playing with the kids down there, even though they have no idea what the other is saying.  She has unfortunately also become fluent in radio skank, thanks to her half-sister and cousin, and possibly some indiscriminate music-listening by her mother.  She knows all the words to the super-annoying "Tik Tok" by Ke$ha, and has developed an equally provocative preschooler-dance to accompany it, the likes of which would probably be found on YouTube if I were one of those parents.  Soooo, I've had to revise my in-transit-to-daycare playlist.

Also, I dropped out of school, and decided to change colleges and career paths yet again.  I am now considering pursuing a degree in elementary education.  I figure it's the perfect path for a high-school-and-college dropout. Ah, well.

Anyways, just wanted to get something posted, but hopefully I'll be back later with more details about my recent experiences and perhaps some pictures.  Mexico never ceases to amaze me.

Ciao,
Jena D